Karma’s a bitch
There is a woman I cannot get out of my mind. I didn’t even know her for very long, maybe four months. And during those months we had a few weeks of breaks. But boy did she ever carve her spot in my heart.
Maybe it’s because I didn’t know her well or for long that I’m more attached to the idea of her.
I’m both grateful and frustrated with remembering her to be the most ambitious, smart, dominant, and fucking beautiful woman I have ever met.
I have undoubtedly hurt many people I have loved over the years in some way. When you open your heart to anyone, you are also open to the possibility of being hurt. But I always had the chance to make it better. I always worked things out.
But not this time, not with her.
She kicked me out of her apartment and I never saw her again.
It’s been 5 years maybe. I can’t say I haven’t tried to reach out again, years later.
Maybe I’m trying again now…
I’ve spent a very long time considering whether the reason I can’t get her out of my mind was because I felt she didn’t get the full story of us, that I could have said something or did something to make her… hurt less. It’s just a petty unresolved ego trip…
OR I did fall in love with this woman…and hate myself for not saying it back to her.
“You are stuck with me,”
is what I often say to those I love. My love isn’t going anywhere. Which may be why she is still on my mind, and in my heart.
I’ve had girlfriends whom I’ve loved (and still love) that I am no longer in a romantic relationship with. But this woman came in and out of my life so fast and got in so deep. I’ve never felt this way about another woman before and since.
This relationship never would have worked out romantically. Ultimately, we just did not agree on the relationship structure, although not for lack of trying. But I often find myself still wondering if she is ok, hoping she is thriving and happy.
Maybe we were both scared and did some things to sabotage the chance of us staying together, to save ourselves from getting hurt later on when our emotions got even stronger. If we both knew it wasn’t going to work romantically maybe it was easier to believe it wasn’t real love after all.
But maybe it was…is.
I suppose working out whether she has a hold on me because of ego or because of love. A hold on me she has never the less.
I choose love though. I always choose love.
